Zen

People who know me personally, have often heard me saying this word. It has become my own version of 'self actualization'.

I have a habit of just writing down heavy thoughts whenever I feel them, and more often then not the only thing I have with me is my phone. I have started carrying a little notebook with me wherever I go, but I am a little shy and I feel pretentious when I whip it out and write in it. I guess we can blame technology for that.

So, this is one of those moments.


There are times of perfect serenity, when you accept, just for the moment, that the world is what it is and you are whatever you are. Small, but not insignificant, or even the trials and tribulations you went through don't seem so massive. Those are the moments that catch you SO off guard and make you realize that maybe, you are 'living it right' and sometimes doing the best you can, is in fact, enough. Its easy to believe all the criticism all the negative feedback in a heartbeat. The important thing is to let them go.

I've started a new 'thing' and I've grown to like it very much. I don't remember where exactly I read it, but fortunately for me I did. Every morning just as I wake up, before I jump out of bed or even begin to think  I'm late, or start going over all the things I have to do that day.  I take a few minutes, I stop, smile and I tell myself what a great day its going to be and how im going to get everything done, and done impeccably. It sounds like a giant cliche, I know, I am aware. Try it. Dont even sit up, do it while ur head is still on your pillow. Im not going to say it changed my life or anything, but it did make a difference, especially to those days where I woke up on the wrong side of my pillow.

War and Peace

I have been down in the dumps,

in the trenches of life.

I've returned with scars,with tell-tale signs.

I grew stronger,

 with every blow to my soul.

I'm back on call,

deployed.

Make good art.

What I love about writing is that innate voice that you hear in your mind whilst you're reading someones work. You can almost immediately hear this person. You can hear their style,their emotions,their mood when they wrote that certain thing. That, in my mind is someone who is successful.They managed to come across exactly how they wanted to,without actually being present physically.That, is what i hope to do. I want my voice out there.I want to be heard.

Viva la revolution

It is no coincidence that time and again I've been hearing the phrase "We are the middle generation". What exactly does that embody? We have to only switch on a news channel or read a newspaper or even a magazine these days to realize times are changing. What is your personal revolution though?What are you fighting for?

I had an interesting discussion,rather,a debate with my brother today,while he was helping me do the dishes. I don't even know how this conversation arose but we ended up debating the conventional roles of each gender and what "our" culture expects of it. This happens to be a regular on the lists of topics to debate over,at least in my home.Its something I've been told I'm doing since I was little.Well anyway,I thought I was going to "win" this little debate of ours,when I had an epiphany. To be honest my brothers' words lead me to this epiphany. He said I came across as someone that hates to be a woman. Someone who believes that she has been dealt a shitty hand,I was just about to retaliate when I realised,hes right. I had read somewhere that you have to pay close attention to how  people closest to you,see you,because this is possibly how you are portraying yourself. You might not mean it,but you're definitely coming across as that. I was taken aback. I thought about it for a second and it dawned on me,I love being who I am. I am proud of my gender.Now I know I'm going about this all wrong.In order to make a change,I must not fight it,I have to mirror it..

What is my revolution? Being myself in a world full of confusing and twisted agendas.Knowing that I know whats best for me.Doing what makes me happy,making a small,tiny,pathway in my "culture"  where one did not exist before.My revolution is an undomesticated woman.       

Doubt

"let no one enter your inner kingdom unless they come with love."  ~ Ajame

 I made a secret pact with myself that i would post an entry every day for a while at least. Until I could visibly notice a positive change and progress in my writing. Yesterday no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't get myself to do it.

flashback
 
Back when i first started writing, it was usually venting. About how I feel, some injustice I had felt or then mainly anger, at the world around me.

It was surprising to me when yesterday, I had that feeling,but I couldn't write about it. I had realized I stopped venting my feelings by pen. That is supposed to be a good thing, but somehow to me it doesn't seem that way.

The secret life of Dreams.

We have all had those mornings, we wake up completely and utterly confused because we are caught up in a certain emotion and we have no idea why.

Often times i welcome that feeling because more than not,its a feeling of exemplary joy and it sticks with me throughout the day. Though,here I'm talking about the "other" kind of a feeling. The sad as shit feeling. So, I woke up this morning and i was SO confused. I had a dream with two very important people in my life and a third person that i remember time and again with unpleasantness. Anyway so as i always do i got out my dream interpreter and got to the bottom off those pesky feelings.

 I guess what I'm trying to say rather ineffectively is don't let yourself be controlled by negativity. No matter where it is coming from.Most of the time it comes from within us.Get to the bottom of whatever it is that's making you feel less than happy.The control is within you.You are in charge and its as simple as understanding why you feel a certain way,accepting it or then changing it. Don't ruin your day,and most importantly listen to what your dreams are telling you.Once in  a while they are bringing out from deep within your subconscious things that you should be dealing with.

I am better than you.

I was just loitering around on facebook, which I noticed I've been doing a lot lately and I came across one of my friends status updates. It read     "It is just amazing how much of "inspiring" trash the most uninspiring of all people can find! Don't seek worldly wisdom, find your true calling from within"

This really annoys me.I have a few problems with this sentence/ "judgement". Now mind you I have no problems with this person whatsoever.To each their own, that's what I  believe. Just like it is his/her own personal call as to who or what is inspiring,why doesn't everybody else have the same privilege? I honestly don't know why  exactly  this comment got  under my skin but I  feel so infuriated at people like this. Why are you so quick to judge everyone else? Why isn't everyone around you entitled to their own version of what inspires them? I think this is one of the small things that is wrong in all of us. We believe we are all made of gold and everyone surrounding us is just "gold plated". We need to stop judging people based on our ideas of who they are.We need to start getting to know our "friends" a little more before we can just dismiss their opinions and perspectives so nonchalantly.

insomnia

There is a pattern to my chaotic bouts of  insomnia.

I lay restless but exhausted in my bed,

thoughts whirring around,

 making whirlpools out of my sanity.

I "stop" and "go"  countless times to thoughts of you.

Your face etched in my memory.

I know what I have to do.

Surrender.

hello,hello!

So here i am once again.Another "go" at my previously failed attempt at starting a blog.

i hoping that this time i will commit as i had intended to.